Throw-Back Thursday!

Here is my response to high school graduation - written for a senior performance for my theatre class 2014

Senior Farewell Poem

“Welcome to high school, happy ending not guaranteed.”

Chapter One

I took one step through the tight, twisted, taunting iron gates-

Looking both ways, I tried for another

But the sun reflected off of my shoe lace and blew up the brightness

I knew I had forgotten something

Would have never guessed: sunglasses.

So down I went

Blind

Scraping open a jagged, little hole in the new jeans mom had spent the time to buy

As I fell prey to an upperclassmen’s saliva that had been left behind in a tight little ball of gooey experience I knew now I would never repay in kind.

I guess I was assigned Ground Greeting for first period

I knocked my head against the concrete instead of waving hello, like an idiot

Great first impression, A- for the impressive regression in creativity

I think I went delirious by then; honestly, this was the start of “I don’t know”

Because suddenly I was catching a cold, surrounded by the screeching of a salty breeze

Filled with cracked shells

And underestimated sand

And forgotten debris

Everywhere!

An explosion of opinionated half ideas and hunch backed Notime mouth full of damns I had never encountered before

I was a casualty of war; little did I know that my trip to the concrete was a score

Point one for Fresh Meat, and ya I did feel like rotten beef

As I was kidnapped by a monster that had whiteout wings, a chalky beak, and pencil like talons

He was draining me weak

Along with the shouts down below, of fellow students taking hold, of my sanity, my morality, the girl I had believed was me – goodbye wishing stars and dreams, hello dimming flashlights and crumpled leaves. My shadow was being ripped away at my seams

I wanted to scream!

As they had me surrounded with This and that, him and her, them against them, did you hear, what is she wearing, this sucks, this is stupid, this is like omg, wtf,

Wrong and wrong, right but wrong? Wrong and yet too right to be anything but right now?

As I held life’s checklist in front of my exposed chest, I flipped through my planner, desperate for answers, but half of the pages were blank, no ammo,

The other half were hard to read, scribbled in by everybody

Except for me

This confusion was killing

My insides

But from the sounds, I knew I must disguise

Flying above campus, with sun-burnt eyes,

That was when I realized, face first, I had tripped into an apocalyptic Young Adult novel.

Chapter Two

The end was near!

Well, a quarter of the beginning was no longer here

And I felt alive,

Like I could climb

I don’t know

Mount Everest

I COULD climb Mount Everest

Except for that that would be too cold

I did not need to prove the worth of my soul

I mean, come on, I was much too old for such a trial

Make the Meat adventure out,

I was no longer a child

I was four years from adulthood

Slashing through the wild

So long Middle School

So long haunting memories of when I wasn’t “cool”

With my first Ap class dragging at the end of my shoelaces

I smiled with just lips, pretending I didn’t have braces

I smiled with just lips, pretending I didn’t have endless

Days upon days

Of childish fears

Actions delayed

Let me cuddle beneath my blankets and hug my stuffed animal near

Pffft I was not afraid of the dark

I told people I threw away my nightlight

But really, I tucked it behind my bed stand and for a while felt all right

No way! Those accusations were astray

I would never make mistakes

Never hide behind “okay”

Though when someone would ask, “okay” is what everyone would say

No trust

Despite the trust we claim

Bust is the confidence button, the one required to carry in our backpacks

But some people just cannot afford that

We all climb Mount Everest to feign

Perfectness

Especially when our skin quivers

And lashes decorate our wrists

So that night I plugged in

My nightlight

Desperate not to become finite

Chapter Three

A blur of work out stressed

Wait, I meant stressed out work

I don’t know

Stretched lines

Conditioned minds

Double knotted laces

Intense blurps

Of clarity

Only momentarily

Did I find myself

Mostly I was crying hysterically

Barely

Finding inspiration to talk

When the clock ticked

So quick

And all of a sudden:

Chapter Four

Sandals on.

Sweatshirts ready for each day of the week.

Wake up at 7:23.

No will

To stand still

Severe intentions to move on

I am done

Waiting for the fresh dawn. I am done.

Chapter Five

I take one step passed the tired, trusted, timeless gates-

Looking both ways, goodbye is what I try to say

But the sun reflects off of my white cap; the glittering rays cruise in the opposite direction, painting my path

And even though I will be gone, I know I can come back

I would have never guessed, I would feel so blessed

Cliché, I know (But do you think that bothers me?)

I have yearned for this for an eternity

180 days of blurry

Learning

Four years of scurrying

To get by

Asking why

When someone told me what to do

Or how to be

When my hometown was on fire

And I thought all I could do was sit behind the ashen window and swish around this sour

Taste

That lingered in my mouth when I gave way

To hate

When I followed the streets in haste

Shouted at Siri to hand me the cake

When I needed space

From junk

I had eaten the cake

Anyway

Wiping tomorrow from my face

The napkin ended up with stains

But now that I stand on the other side of the gates,

I know that high school was for my sake,

Not just a Hunger Games

Or a cage for slaves

But a wonderful thing

A piece of life that I made

Through MY choices

MY mistakes

MY memories

And changes

And existence

Regardless of the worlds resistance to my personality

I have decided that the world is just afraid of originality

What can I do but live?

All I will do is give

What I can

And ignore the sand

That forces eyes to glare

Tired eyes to stares

Like I am a speck of dust on their brand new million-dollar car and they are

The Reality

That stifles possibility

Sorry I am there

Actually

Not sorry that I am here

Life is beautiful, but you are the one who steers

The car towards Bambi’s mom or the road

When you hit the deer, go ahead and pretend you feel better when you gloat

I won’t

Be anything but I am:

Forgiving, but not forgetting

Failing, but not with fear

Fighting, but not with feistiness

Falling, but not with failure.

I will not be anything but what I am.

I bend down to secure my shoelaces

Embracing the rare white spaces

Knowing that they will soon be filled

With left overs and hikes and the ground and spills

Then shoving the silky tassel away from my eyes

I nod my head

No more disguise

I smile with teeth

Sure, disbelief

But no lack of belief

In the future ahead of me

I turn around

And walk away steadily

“Welcome to high school, choose your happy ending.”